Wednesday, January 4, 2012

new chapter

This post is quite personal and I'm just trying to lay things out and get things off my chest. I'm hoping it will help me.

I've been really down in the dumps lately and I can't seem to get out of this slump. It seemed to start after Thanksgiving when I was still in school, finals approaching.

The last semester of my "college life" had really been the worst of them all. I'm not sure if it was because of the particular classes I was taking or because it just was my last semester and I couldn't wait to be done. I was really ready to be done, but the assignments were not done and I still needed to finish them.

I also have felt anxiety about finishing up school and finding a job, starting my own business or something else, so that probably had a lot to do with it...because FYI--I haven't had a job in almost 7 1/2 years. I was able to settle in with my classes and knew what to expect with my requirements and I really got comfortable with it, but now I have to change and focus on my future and what opportunities are out there are for me.

Throughout the last 3 1/2 years of school I really tried to be successful and be a better student than I was the first time around (right after high school) when I didn't have goals or even cared about grades. But this time I did have goals and I was able to reach them with 4.0 GPA's each and every semester! Great, right?...whatever. People seem to think it's great and I should be happy and proud of myself but why don't I feel this way?

So, I survived my last weeks of finals but with a few extra gray hairs and a lot of tears. I should be glad it's over but I don't really feel that way at all. As I'm typing this the thought came to me that maybe it's a normal feeling--being depressed about the changes. Maybe other people have felt this way too? Or maybe just the overly sensitive-and-insecure-stay-at-home-moms-who-go-back-to-school-to-find-themselves-and-didn't-actually-find-themselves kind of people. (aka: me)

Don't go feeling sorry for me (if you have). Feel sorry for my husband and my kids who have been there for me and supported me through this "nightmare". They are the ones who should have left me and gone on with their lives. But they didn't, they are still here and still love me. I couldn't go a day without them. They are amazing. My husband is amazing and I am so lucky to have him. Anyone else would have been g.o.n.e. LOVE U NATE.

Now that it's a new year, I'm trying something new to try to lift my spirits. I went out today and bought a cute little pink leather journal and I hope to write in it every night. I want to write not of my day but of little things that make me happy and little things I'm thankful for.

because those are the things that really matter.